An Introduction

As I sit alone in my apartment, my mind races. I can’t handle this. I hate my life. I hate myself. Where is my blade? Goddamnit. The police took it. Now what? Wait a minute. I have another razor in the bathroom!

I walk into the bathroom and pull the razor package out of the cabinet below the sink. One left! Now all I need is something to pry this casing off.

I walk into the kitchen and pull a flathead screwdriver out of my drawer of assorted junk. This should do the trick!

I walk over to my desk and sit down. I turn on my desk lamp. I start to pry the protective casing off of the blades of the razor. Come on! Why does this have to be so difficult! Damn these expensive razors!

The casing pops off the razor and I pull each of the three blades away from the backing. I’m very careful so as to prevent myself from slicing a finger. I pick up one of the blades. Holding it with my right hand, I place the blade against the skin of my left forearm. Wait. What am I doing? Why am I resorting back to this? I vowed to give this up. I SWORE to my best friend that I would never hurt myself again. I can’t do this. Not now, not ever.

I pull the blade away from my arm and quickly throw it in the trash can. I pick up the remaining two blades and throw them away too. Knowing this wouldn’t be enough to keep me away from them, I tied up the bag and left my apartment. I walked down the hall and opened the door to the garbage room. Once inside, I pulled open the garbage chute door and placed the bag inside. Then I let go.

I had won my first real battle against cutting. This took place only a few weeks ago. It wasn’t the first battle I had fought against cutting. It was just the first I had won. I know it won’t be the last though. In the coming months, maybe even years, I will have to fight against this enemy.

I started cutting when I was fourteen. By that time in my life I was pretty much drowning in my problems. Cutting was my way of trying to “cope” with my problems. I never knew It would take over my life the way it has.

This first few entries of this blog aren’t going to be about my life now. They will tell about my past. They will help you understand my later entries about my life today. I’ll post my next entry soon.